Melanin Chameleon

One Asian woman battle to overcome bias.

For centuries, skin-whitening products have been the most sought-after by Asians. I was told that I was the fairest-skinned baby my mother had given birth to.

I was raised by my grandparents until I was 5 years old. I would hear stories about how I learned to walk by scouring the neighborhood and disappearing to visit neighbors’ houses. By lunchtime, they would return me home and tell my grandma, “She was hanging out at our house.” Those were the good old days when the words, “It takes a village to raise a child,” really were a true experience. As a child, I could never sit still, and it’s obvious that I had a great sense of adventure and curiosity from a very early age. Walking under the scorching sun without any sunscreen, exploring every street and alleyway that I had never been to before, and visiting friends’ and relatives’ homes that my mother didn’t even know we had. Needless to say, my white skin became so dark and properly tanned. That did not make my mother very happy.

It was a source of pride to have white-looking children; in some communities, it even became the standard of social status.

For the longest time, I too carried this belief. I had my body bleached in high school just so I could feel better about myself.

I deprived myself of the fun and adventure of living in an amazing rainforest and volcanic mountains surrounded by great beaches where people from all over the world came to surf the ocean, just because I was afraid to get tanned.

Sometime after college, I found myself involved in a study about colonialism and how Indonesia, my home country, helped shape the world as we know it through the many nations that tried to invade and did invade Indonesia for its spices and natural resources.

Since 1509, Indonesia had been colonized by various countries like the Portuguese, Spaniards, Dutch, French, English, and the Japanese. Indonesia gained its independence in 1945, right after the Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombings.

During this study, I came to the realization of the colonial mentality we still inherited.

We looked up to Western civilization and thought that must be the standard. We have not completely healed from the scars of centuries-long occupation.

Classic Stockholm syndrome: “They invaded us; they must be superior to us. We must become like them to be better, to feel better.”

It was when I became a mother to a son that I finally let myself feel free. The fear of depriving my son of his curiosity made me one of the most adventurous mothers.

The minute he could run, I taught him to ride a bike. When he became independent on the bike, we would take the San Francisco Caltrain to every tourist destination, every hiking trail that was safe for biking. We surfed the ocean, we dove, we bungee jumped, we camped for many nights in the summer, we skied, and I even took up horse riding, a passion I had as a child.

The wonderful thing about feeling awakened as you reach middle age is that you can start all over again and reinvent yourself like you were a thirsty child. This thirst has kept me going, especially when the going is tough.

I still have some reservations about my skin tone, mostly when I have to come home to visit my family. I still fear the look of judgment that I live miserably in the US and that I can’t afford to take care of my own skin. I’m a work in progress, but I sure love this freedom of exploring everything under the sun. I’m loving my darker skin, knowing that I experienced so much adventure this summer as a woman and as a mother, and I’m better for it.